Friday, July 8, 2011

not strong enough

sometimes i feel so weak, like i can't go on. like this hole in my heart is going to break me. i look at pictures of my baby girl because THAT IS ALL I HAVE. i want to smell her, to hold her, to see her face. each day i feel further and further from her and it kills me. i don't know how people do this. i am not strong enough. i can't take this pain, this hurt, the regrets, the anger, the bitterness, the loneliness, the longing for my baby girl... i can't take it. how the hell do people do this?!? why does this happen?!? why couldn't caris have been healthy?!? why the hell did she have to die?!? there was no freaking reason that she had to die! i'm so freaking pissed off. i am angry. i am ANGRY. i thought i was past that. but i swear, i am so freaking angry right now. she was the BEST thing i ever did, she was the BEST thing i ever created. she was BEAUTIFUL. and LOVED. and HIGHLY FAVORED. and WANTED BEYOND COMPARISON. she was MINE.

and yet, my arms are empty. my heart is broken. and it hurts so much i can barely breathe. i'm not strong enough for this, not tonight.