Sunday, February 5, 2012

How can you measure a year?

"Would you know my name?
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door,
There's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven..."

A year ago my daughter, my Caris AnnaBelle 'graduated' and was fully healed when she reached Heaven. The past 365 days have taught me a lot about myself, my family, my friends and my faith. I am a completely different person than I was a year and a day ago... I have changed mostly for the better, but still struggle with the 'fog' of the darkest days, much like the ones that came in the first weeks following Caris' death.

While I still do not understand why she was taken from me, I have found peace in knowing she is no longer in pain. I thought, honestly, that after a year it would easier, that I would not weep as hard, scream as loud, punch pillows with the same vengeance as I did 364 days ago... But I would be lying if I said that were true.

My heart aches every day for my daughter. I think of her constantly. I cannot see an owl, the color purple, or a baby girl without feeling that pang in my stomach that shakes me to the core.

I am more than blessed to have my son, my Tobias, who was sent by God himself to help aide in my healing, Chris' healing and the healing of our family and closest friends. He is in no way a replacement for Caris. Our grief does not disappear because of his presence, however our hearts mend a little more each day as we bask in God's glory watching Toby LIVE.

If you would have told me on June 21st, 2010 that the baby I had just found out I was carrying would only live 6 days and that 2011 would be the darkest year of my life because of that, I would still choose Caris every.single.time... She changed who I was. I am less naive, less careless, more loving and forgiving and a better mom for Toby because of the compassion that my baby girl drew out of me.

For you, reading this, I thank you for being here for our family. For trudging through this rough terrain with us. For praying for our hearts, our healing, and for praying for the complete health of our Toby, who has been made PERFECT. The storm has passed, our rainbow has come, and the sun has begun to shine on our little family.

Thank you for being here for every season.


  1. I know just what you mean- the hope that a year later the ache wouldn't be quite as painful, yet it is. I'm so sorry she can't be there with you. She's a beautiful little girl.

  2. Sending you big hugs. <3 I know how hard a day that is to remember.