Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Too many shoulds, too many nevers, and too many tears

I should be holding a two month old baby girl right now. I should be visiting the doctor's office later today, seeing how much my baby girl has grown. I should be holding her hand as she gets her shots, crying more than she is from seeing her in that pain. I should be answering questions like "how is she sleeping? how often is she eating? what is her crying pattern like?" I should be dealing with diaper rash, sleepless nights, spit-up on my shirt...

What I shouldn't be doing is sitting here, alone, empty-handed, crying because I will never get to experience those things with my baby girl. I will never see her smile. I will never see her cry. I will never change her diaper. I will never feed her. I will never dress her. I will never see her crawl. I will never see her walk. I will never hear her talk. I will never read her a book. I will never give her a bath. I will never hear her say she hates me after I've grounded her. I will never chase away boys. I will never see her graduate. I will never see her get married. I will never coach her through labor and delivery, as my mother so lovingly did when I had her. I will never be able to give her advice. I will never be able to do anything with my baby girl.
All I can do is cry for her. and cry for me. and cry for my husband who is so damn strong sometimes it hurts. All I can do is go to her graveside and leave flowers. All I can do is talk to her, without response, which I do more often than I talk to anyone else, including God, these days.
Most of the time I am strong, but today- I'm letting myself be weak. Today, I am going to spend time with my stepson, and thank God that He has put Sebastion in my life. Today, I am going to remind myself that as much as I want Caris in my arms, I know that God's arms are stronger than mine, and He too knows the pain of watching His child die.
Today, I am going to be weak, and allow God to be strong for me, because I sure as hell can't do it. Not today.

5 comments:

  1. You don't always have to be strong Maggie. Let others be strong for you and let God take care of you. I love you, my sweet friend. I pray daily that your pain lessens.

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  2. I'm sorry you're having a hard day. You're absolutely right, you should have been doing all of those things with sweet Caris. I'm sorry you're not.

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  3. I have no words of comfort but just that am missing my baby like anything today. He'd be four and a half months - a big boy.

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  4. Sorry you are having a hard day, thinking of you!

    Sending hugs your way!

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